Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
...so i touched it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
