Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
