and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
