Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Your cock deserves a montage
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
