True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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