I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
