I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
