new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My breasts were aching with rage.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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