I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
