Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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