is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
