Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
