ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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