I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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