i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
