She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
