did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
not ubering you a puppy
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
