On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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