I think I won the penis lottery.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
