I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
