you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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