I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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