You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
