You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
