Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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