So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
