I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
