I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
