Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
