I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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