you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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