onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
