we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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