Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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