ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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