Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
