He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize