I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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