flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
