my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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