It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
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False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
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I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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