i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
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