If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
