Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
