I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
COCAINE IS GR8
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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