My liver just broke up with me...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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