She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
