I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
