I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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