I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
