Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
