Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
