He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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