The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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