I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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