his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
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I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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