i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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